You describe the situation very well. I think the confusion hurts the game. It has been discussed before.
Because we are discussing sportsmanship and fair play, we must accept that many players will not choose to conform either by lack of awareness or by willful choice ~ and as long as the game is this way there will be players conflicts.
I hated being yelled at by a bunch of players when i used a becon in a small game.... I felt like if it was not right it should not be allowed. And getting told by others what i should or should not do felt like abuse. But since the game does allow it, I have decided to be sporting and refrain. Now, I actively try to dialogue with other players when a small game starts because sometimes you can cooperate and have more fun. I will mention the RenX customs sometimes but only with the passing hope they might consider the situation.