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a1h
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I am an open fellow, just need to have a bit of a talk.

Well if anyone has had better day then well come listen to my below average one.

So my partner tells me "we need to have a talk" now i was thinking its just one of these money issues again, so no problems, then she tells me shes leaving me for another man, because he has money and works out and all that bullshit. My mate and i had suspected she has been cheating on me for months now. So of course i am pissed off, how can someone just throw away 5 years of a relationship, and what the tell am i suppose to tell my two year old son when he gets older?

But the kicker is, i am not meant to have a right for being pissed off because we apparently have been living a lie, and its also all my fault, bullshit,

Yeah its all my fault for carrying her ass for the last five years spending all my money while she doesn't work, while she doesn't even clean the house, and rarely cooks tea that i wouldnt even call tea.

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you tell your son the truth, that might sound hard but lying to him won't do you or him any good. And cheer up. losing your girlfriend isn't the worst thing that could happen to you :) be happy that you're alive and healthy and that you have a son!

And yes, you actually do have the right to be pissed off. i'd be really pissed off, especially if she throws it all away like that! :o

anyways, try to look at the bright side, not the bad side. the bad side will only tear you down, and believe me that you don't want to go there :)

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Trying to purposely make her jealous or any other "revenge" just means you're not over her, and the healthiest thing to do is just try to live life and move on in my opinion. Besides, she's still the mother of your son (I'm assuming) so it would only complicate things further to escalate the matter.

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QUOTE (a000clown @ Mar 24 2009, 04:52 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Trying to purposely make her jealous or any other "revenge" just means you're not over her, and the healthiest thing to do is just try to live life and move on in my opinion. Besides, she's still the mother of your son (I'm assuming) so it would only complicate things further to escalate the matter.[/b]


I agree with you, and though i do wish this was not happening, i don't want to go as low as a revenge style because that's not the person i want to be in life, and doesn't set a good example.
But this doesn't mean that my friends have been giving her an easy time, i am not responsible for what they do.
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Let's give you some positive points to think about:

- Since you experienced that your girlfriend didn't really do anything for you, both you and your son aren't dependent of her. You can manage it!

- You still have your son. It would have been a nightmare for real if she had been able to take him with her!

- Your son will have a bit of a different life then other children because his parents are living seperate. But just because it's not a good thing that's happening in his life, doesn't mean it's going to ruin it. Everyone will eventually encounter such bad things. And I would rather have my children learn what they are and how to cope with them when they are young instead of when they are in the middle of their lives. Children are much more adaptive.

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This may not help you at all but this is all I got

1. Do not think what you could have done or not done. Do not think how everything could be different by choosing different paths because simple fact is that anyone would have done everything exactly the same way under the same circumstances.

2. Do never start thinking there's people better than you. That's simply unnecessary as there is and will be always somebody better and worse than what you can ever be in any single thing you can imagine.

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What I meant to say was; make her jealous by moving on in your life as if it does not hurt you [much]. Move on, take your time to find another woman (not a rebound, but rather someone you know you're compatible with), maybe go to the gym to take out any depression on the machines with music blasting into your ears and go for a friendly, relaxing swim right after.

Contrary to what most people think, there are much more important things than an ex girlfriend or ex wife. Especially if she was a filthy cheater, willing to ruin your life and potentially the life of your son, for some random guy.

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If I were in your situation I know it would be harder than anything to hear those words; especially if you loved her.

Tell your son the truth about what she did and expose your son to what kind of person she really is. Live your life the best you can, and leave town. You will want a fresh start. Fall in love with another girl that you meet in a library or some where else, and don't ever think about how you used to love her back then. Make sure that your next woman knows your past though.

It is important that you have good control over yourself when she's gone because the last thing you need is suicidal thoughts. That didn't get me anywhere and it won't help you either.

E-mail me if you want to talk some more: [email protected]

Good luck man,

-Asgaroth

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I'm sorry to say this. But there are some really stupid advices in this topic.

"Shit Happens?" It's the guy's life we're talking about.. and all you could come up with was 'Shit happens' ? ..and even if it's meant in a sarcastic way , cliché ... really. Really Cliché.

Yes shit does happen, but it also doesn't. I'm a postmodernistic guy, and life REALLY doesn't devide itself into black and white segments, it's way too complex to be just that. Same goes to what she said "It's all your fault" => (cfr. see below)

Anyway there are a few replies that took my attention. Respectfully Demigan's and Asgaroth's advice..

- Demigan has a very good point.:

Focus. And think about the thing you still have, even how cynical it may seem.

- Asgaroth: Move on. Obviously it hasn't taken that much for her to move on. So the more reason for you to live your life, evolved.

I know these are some very abstract concepts, especialy coming from people who don't know you in person/ or don't share the same life you have.

But fact remains, some people here have never had something close to this. So quit giving lousy advice if you don't know how to. (no offence, but I have to be frank)

My experiance with problemes(indiscriminate from which probleme or how huge the issue is) , is no mather how good your relationship is with a friend, if that friend has never experianced the same issue you're facing with right now. It's very likely that they cannot in any way understand what you are going through. So no point in having him/her give you advice, they wouldn't know how to. Friends can be a GREAT comfort (that is if you need comfort) but if you need advice from them then you can't blaim them for not being able to understand.

Don't get me wrong, it's important to talk about your probleme, (very important actualy) the first step is accepting you HAVE an issue.

But I think it would be best (and I wouldn't be the first ofcourse) to advice you to seek out groups or individuals who DO share this similar issue you are facing right now.

- Anyway what I would like contribute is this:

See my reference (see top) => "It's all your fault"

All I have to say is that: Ofcourse it can't be all your fault, that's not possible. But that doesn't neccecarily mean that it's not

And it doesn't mean it's her fault either. (not picking your wife's side, this is coming from a neutral POV).

Maybe somewhere allong the way ,the both of you lost sight. You may have payed the bills, but perhaps you drove her away from you.

Like Asgaroth mentioned. Move on, with whatever's practicle for you (you don't need to move to another country, if you can't afford it) but whatever helps out, even the little things and details, like ur ex-wife's pictures are out of the room, getting her stuff out of your way; just to mention a few.

If it's not there, then that's one thing less to ponder about.

- The important thing is to get things DONE. You can think ALL day on what to do and what to worry about. There are always new worries. But you need to get things done. Things won't change, if you don't want them to change and ofcourse AND again if you don't get things done.

"Live big, dream small" => you may have big dreams, but they will remain ONLY dreams if you don't do anything about them. It's 'Okay' to dream - to hope - to plan.

But these concepts are just 'those' concepts if you don't live these things out.

So really a1h, live your life, do the things you want to do, enjoy life again. Revenge is a fun thing, but don't let that get in the way and 'Move on'.

Last but not least, don't let your relationship with your son, and ex wife turn out into a war about "who loves your child more" by buying more stuff -> materialistic ofcourse.

Even at a young age, kids can sence that. Don't underestimate that.

And if you're genuine enough, you'll kid will learn to accept what has happend and will appreciate you more when he gets older.

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Firstly id like to say to AsgarothXc and Frostbyte, Thank you a lot you have made me feel a lot better, and sort of understand in my own senses with i should do, or need to do, which i am sure in time i probably will. I find it a lot easier talking to people online than what i do in person, so any support really is better than nothing.

AsgarothXc i completely agree with you about suicidal thoughts, i have had them in the past but i seeked medical advice back then and now i am on anti depressants which have been helping my life a lot, specially over times with my mothers recent death and now this. Besides i can not leave my son without caring father. I currently have a friend living with me even though him and i don't talk a whole lot its good having someone around who can help out when things are going bad or starting to fall out of place.

Frostbyte while i am quite willing to admit that i share some of the blame, i cannot accept taking full responsibility for what has happened, i can look at it from a semi neutral pov and see where i have gone wrong and will try to improve myself for future relationships, but that's as far as i feel i am willing to go without getting upset or angry over the matter.

I do have some life goals set out before me, and they are achievable and i am trying to work towards them and hopefully one day i will have them, and set some more. But like today when i was out doing the shopping and seeing other people playing and having a good time with there children hit a raw spot that makes me feel sad, Though my ex wants me to forgive her, i do not think that i am able to come around to that. As i have told her when you walked out that door you took our friendship and everything with it.

Everyone is right about saying i need to move on, and i am trying, but its not as easy as it sounds, specially when you have small moments crop up with symbolic meaning.

I respect everyone's posts for the time and effort put into posting.

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@Frostbyte: tl;dr ;)

From my experience, all I can best suggest is to surround yourself with the closest family and friends you have. They'll support you and they'll remind you that not everyone is that bad. Take your time to recover; think about what it is you want from a relationship, what you don't want - relationships always change views like that.

Finally, as tough as it might be to swallow; accept her decision and whats happened. Despite 5 eyars. if she's capabale of that and wasn't willing to sort things out and patch things with yourself then she doesn't deserve a second thought. Keep the good memories but pack them away, deep inside, then look to a time when you can next be truly happy.

I find a few good things help:-

* Going for long walks - they're fantastic for calming you down and getting things in perspective. Cooped up at work or at home is no help at all the majority of the time.

* Find some music - try and find some really positive music. If you're into rock/metal, there's a surprising amount that helps.

* Find a nice friendly regular gaming server. As with these forums, unwinding with strangers is sometimes great for escaping. I know a vast array of you guys hate World of Warcraft; but there's a huge amount of people who get lost in that realm for a reason - it truly does help. Other MMOs are great for that too. Equally (my chocie) Counter Strike: Source is a great escape too.

* Go on a holiday/vacation - go somewhere scenic, with friends or family. Get some fresh air in your lungs and a new perspective on things.

I thought I'd offer some practical advice that works for me at least through some pretty difficult times. Its all too easy to just sit in your room and curl up - but you need to do the opposite. Getting out will bring the smile back. Saying "get over it" simply does not work, I've been there too. What you need is time. Its a great healer. It will hurt for a while, but maybe try what I've listed and see how that helps =].

We're always here for you ^^ as we are for anyone in this community!

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Internet is okay.. Whatever you feel is the most effective, but feel free to explore the alternatives.

In my personal experiances, 'Psychologists' help you talk about your probleme, they help you set the first step.

But like you said before you're an open guy, and it wasn't a probleme. But Psychologists aren't substitutes for a person who care about you or people who've shared your experiances.(mainly because they get a fat paycheck in the end of the month). I would definatly recommend group therapy, therapy sounds like such an institutional word, like you're mentaly ill, but make no mistake , if you are willing to help yourself. Then nothing is too exaggerated and it shouldn't mather at what caliber you help yourself.

If you are afraid to go to such a thing, bring a friend (even if he doesn't share your probleme, having a wingman is always nice to moral)

@maty: like I said before, you need to get things done.

Escapism is a nice comfort , but you need to keep in mind that it's only temporary.

Weither it be the examples given by maty or "Psychofarma", I've had my experiances with benzodiazepin (diazepin group; a common anti-anxiety / depressive pill) valium is a well-known type of this kind, but there are many sorts ,shapes and names.

The only thing they all have in common, is that they are highly adictive. They make your cells dependant on these chemicals and you'll start to feel it, when you go long periodes without.

But everybody has his own adictions, weither it be watching tv series, playing videogames, work, eating excessively, watching porn, smoking, drinking ect.

Point is everybody has an adiction and procrastination is a normal thing (its not unusual to procrastinate), some are progressive (like working out), some aren't (eating excessively). => well really depends, too much of anything can turn out to be bad really.. Find a balance in life.

Anyway, I don't want to be anal about this by telling you what not and what to use/do, eventualy it comes down to your own decisions a1h.

I don't want to give you 1 extra thing to make you worry about, but just keep this in the back of your mind. Trust me when I say , you don't want an anti-depressant adiction. Just remember that the alternatives are many. For example find out what you've always wanted to do, and do it. (like starting to play guitar, or archery just to name a few)

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Maty's post is golden in this scenario. It's quite difficult to mentally move on from an ended relationship, but the only way you could do so is if you physically move on first. It's natural that you will be thinking about her now and in the future, but what's most important is not letting those regrets dominate your life.

Try and spend a little more time than usual with your friends. They're really the only people you'll feel comfortable around to either temporarily forget about the situation, or to talk to about how you're feeling.

I would suggest getting a membership at some sort of club or gym. Physical activity does wonders, and you will feel good about yourself.

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Its more than a comfort; its stops your mind constantly driving you up the wall, keeps your mind when you do think about things, on-track. You can't "do things" all the time, sometimes thats just not possible =].

I agree with fobby, physical activity is great in these scenarios. ^^

You can't avoid the feelings, they wont go for a long time, you just have to do things to help keep you focussed, calm and keeping things in perspective. Talking is a great healer too - find a close friend you can vent it all out on.

Stay as positive as you can - of coure that can't be all the time - but if you're positive in every way you're capable of and focus on that, it'll help drive the healing process.

Things wont go in a night, don't expect them too - but one day you will wake up with a smile.

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i honestly don't know what to say. You guys are truly great, I am extremely pissed off right now though, spent the day with her and my son, and i put up with her all day saying she has a cold and is sick and put up with her coughing and all that crap all day, and then she gets a call from another male friend asking to go out for the night, and she couldn't leave quick enough.

So i told her i am not going to put up with her bullshit like this anymore, and now i am getting annoying phone calls.

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QUOTE (a1h @ Mar 26 2009, 10:43 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
i honestly don't know what to say. You guys are truly great, I am extremely pissed off right now though, spent the day with her and my son, and i put up with her all day saying she has a cold and is sick and put up with her coughing and all that crap all day, and then she gets a call from another male friend asking to go out for the night, and she couldn't leave quick enough.

So i told her i am not going to put up with her bullshit like this anymore, and now i am getting annoying phone calls.[/b]


As Maty said, there are numerous ways to deal with things. I think it's good when you say if something annoys you. Just make sure you don't actually assault her with your words. The moment you force her in defence there is no turning back, and she will only start looking more guilty or become angry herself.
There are always reasons why people do something. I am not in on your relationship with her, and what you say might be true. But keep in mind that she might have some guilt. Trying to get your sympathy by acting sick (and perhaps even feeling sick because she wants to, that is possible), and then bailing out the moment a friend gives her the oppertunity can be what follows. It doesn't have to be true, but give her a chance to explain if she annoys you. I think that the best thing you might get from her right now is a good, deep conversation, and her deep and sincere appologies. It might not restore your relationship, but it will help you get further in life.
Also, your son is two years old. The smaller the child, the more communication from bodylanguage, smell and other unsaid messages count. He will not understand what is happening, but he will share both your stress. The faster both of you talk this out the better for him. The best way to talk about it is probably not by pointing out faults, not your own and especially not hers. But by talking about what now, and possible futures.
If she or you doesn't really want to do that, then do it for your sons sake. He will learn a valuable life lesson of this all by himself. But if you let this drag on, he might suffer from it. Children are usually the thing people fight over after they are split up. Keeping him with you as long as possible, buying things, trying to make him/her love you the most and boasting of it with your ex-partner. Don't under any circumstances let that happen.

This is just a posibility. Seek your own, either by consulting a specialist, your past experiences with her, or whatever else you can come up with.

Yours sincerely,
Demigan.
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Hmm, might be an idea just to say that its just too difficult to spend time with your son and her at the same time - particularly if you end up arguing as thats not something he should be perhaps exposed to. Maybe suggest when you visit and spend time with him that its done, her allowing, just you and him. Maybe go out somewhere for the day with him; I expect he's full of life and it'll no doubt rub off. At least for the time-being.

Tell her its just temporary whilst some of the wounds heal a bit. Once you've both calmed and settled in a few weeks/months, just try and patch things over. When the pain isn't so raw and fresh on your mind and you've established a way to cope, then approach her to try and sort things. Of course being even friends might prove difficult but just come to a compramise where you can both realise that for your son at least, you can put on a strong face. Thats all in the future of course, for now just let her know that she needs to understand what you're going through and give you the space for the whole horrid situation to work itself out.

Don't get pushed into a destructive situation, but don't push those closest to you away either. Its a careful balance, but in weeks and months to come you'll reap the effort you've put in.

Gold is tested in the fire :) .

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QUOTE
Everyone is right about saying i need to move on, and i am trying, but its not as easy as it sounds, specially when you have small moments crop up with symbolic meaning.[/b]


I completely understand that. It's funny how even though I am married I still wonder what life would be like with my first love whenever I see my old high school again.

Trust me, it will be freaking hard to start moving; but once you start you will get better at it and you won't think about your first love of your life as much as you used to. Stay focused and you may never think about her again; for me I still think of her about 25 times a year probably, but that's because my old high school is in the next county... Try moving about 200 miles away if you can. The furthur away you go, the better it will get.

The same thing goes for when you lose a great friend or relative to death - the only sad part is that when you call them, you know they won't answer the phone...

Keep taking those pills man. I used to take them alot, but now I don't feel depression much anymore. I'm surprised I'm not depressed about my medical conditions with my siezures, but I am not. My latest "fall," broke my ankle and put me out of driving for a good while. All these things give you a whole new perspective...

Good luck man, and if there's anything else I can talk with you about please e-mail me, or go to the Atomix-Gaming Team Speak. I've been on there about 3 times a week now.
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QUOTE (AsgarothXc @ Mar 27 2009, 04:18 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Trust me, it will be freaking hard to start moving; but once you start you will get better at it and you won't think about your first love of your life as much as you used to. Stay focused and you may never think about her again; for me I still think of her about 25 times a year probably, but that's because my old high school is in the next county... Try moving about 200 miles away if you can. The furthur away you go, the better it will get.[/b]


I added you to MSN things are but at the same time aren't going all that well, though id love to move away and start again i cant do that for my sons sake which is the most important thing to me.

After the other day i told her i don't want to have to put up with her crap and she called me childish and said i wasn't letting go and needed to move on, as where my friends where pissing themselves laughing, so she brought her boyfriend around to take my son out for the weekend, which took a lot of effort not to hit him but i figure we can be grown up about this, anyway while there off last night one of the ex's friends showed up the house looking for her and this girl was in a real mess crying and all, she had got kicked out of home and needed a place to stay, so i said she was more than welcome to stay here till things settle down, So my mate tom and i cheered her up watched a few movies told some jokes had a few drinks. Now my ex found out about this and is cracking the shits with me because she thinks something happened when nothing did, the threats shes been sending my phone are funny (saying shes gonna cut my nuts off and that the girl who showed up already has a boyfriend and that if shes cheated with me the ex going to kill me and shit like that) but i think the ex is the one who needs to let go. Specially setting a double standard there, saying its alright for her to cheat but no one else, besides nothing happened, though i admit shes a lovely looking girl i couldn't take advantage of her like that.

(sort of makes it hard to understand whats going on when i don't involve names doesn't it)

ah well its going to be interesting tomorrow.
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If she thinks you are cheating on her, why the hell didn't she just ask her friend in question?

The fact that she's jelous about what you are doing shows that she has at least some feelings towards you. Perhaps, after a long time and enough good talk, you can leave this behind (as much as that is possible considering the circumstances) and stay friends.

She has no right anymore to judge you like that. I think that it is important that you just keep telling her nothing happend as you did and give her ways that she can find out for herself what is true, like asking her girlfriend that came over. Don't start on everything that she did. That will just blow it up again.

I don't know how you feel about it, it might be far too soon. But would it be an option to have a talk with her new boyfriend? Without both your ex or your son, in a public place and a friend who will keep you in check should you still get mad at him. And just have a talk about what he does for work and in his free time or whatever you think you should ask to get to know him. That way you get to know him a little and trust him more when your son is with him. Your ex is who you are angry with, not him.

As an afterthought. If you do have a talk with him, you might want to take your son with you on purpose. That way you can make it easier to focus the conversation about him, and you both will have a very good reason to behave with your son watching. If this new boyfriend of your ex is any good, he will at least try to be a good figure for your son. Just make sure that neither of you ever go into a contest for 'the best dad' over you son.

Yours sincerely,

Demigan.

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Well i spoke to her about when she was going to drop my son back on monday, and she said 7, so i asked am or pm, she said am, so i asked why so early? then she said "why? you busy sleeping with someone?" and i said "wut? no, just curious is all." then she said "you scared me then". Now that's the bit that has got me confused.

I keep getting the feeling like i am being made out as some bad person. Though i have spoken to a few people who know her new bf, and they have all said the same thing, hes a giant douche. I am going to dig around to find out more about him, because i don't want my son or ex to get hurt in the long run and as i already don't trust him i have nothing to lose do i?

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QUOTE (a1h @ Mar 29 2009, 03:26 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Well i spoke to her about when she was going to drop my son back on monday, and she said 7, so i asked am or pm, she said am, so i asked why so early? then she said "why? you busy sleeping with someone?" and i said "wut? no, just curious is all." then she said "you scared me then". Now that's the bit that has got me confused.

I keep getting the feeling like i am being made out as some bad person. Though i have spoken to a few people who know her new bf, and they have all said the same thing, hes a giant douche. I am going to dig around to find out more about him, because i don't want my son or ex to get hurt in the long run and as i already don't trust him i have nothing to lose do i?[/b]


I really think you acted good there. You didn't jump in angry because of the accusation, but you said the exact reasons why without any ribbons on.
No-one wants to made out as a bad person. If someone insults you in the streets, 9 out of 10 people would throw an insult back, no matter if the insult you got in the first place had a good reason. Ofcourse I don't know what your ex is really feeling and thinking. But I can imagine she feels threatened by you: you have all the reason to make her out as a bad person. I think that, seeing as how you told us how you react, however one sided the information we get is anyway, you are behaving very good. You are angry, but you don't take every challange and insult as a way to get in a row with her. You explain your reasons, and leave it at that. If I am correct and your girlfriend feels threatened somewhere, she will eventually get further away from this situation with time. And then her abusive reactions towards you will abate.
These things take time. While you definitely will have the hardest time to get over it, she will have to get over betraying you too, people just don't think themselves of capable of such things and are ashamed when they actually do. Try to help eachother, even if it's only you helping her, and you at least will come out without guilt and with a past closed and finished.

Yours sincerely,
Demigan.
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My friend used to go out with a girl, and we both found out later that her ex boy friend was contacting her saying bad stuff about him. Is there any chance that he's making you sound like your cheating or that your a douche to your ex?

I'd be wary of that kind of situation man; especially if your son is at the same place with them. Talk to your son as well and ask him what kind of a person this new "boyfriend," is. Ask if he's been mean at all or anything, and promise him that you'll protect him if there's anything that the new boyfriend scared him about; there could be alot going here that we don't know about man, but I hope that's not the case...

When she asked you those questions, that set me off. She shouldn't love you anymore since she left, but when she asked you that question then she really does have feelings for you still. The question remains though: Will you forgive her for cheating?

You said that you couldn't, but if you end up finding out that this guy is bad news and you try to break them up for her sake, then your a hero who also still loves his girl. It would also show that you forgave her. You could forgive her and still live apart; it's a tough decision still and I wish you luck with what you try.

Sadly I don't have messenger but I'll install it this week so that I can talk to you. I gotta make myself come half-way too. Make sure you added [email protected] because I only use that for messenger when I get on.

I love you brother; keep it real.

-Asgaroth

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